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The Various Assortments are two cheeky underachievers from a dull town in Essex who actually believe their own hype. In their deluded minds they are convinced they can save Corringham Town Centre 'from it's nothingness' by writing a series of def, deft and daft but clever parody pop songs about their childhood peers.
Tricking their way on to the Richard & Judy Show has only fuelled their egocentric ambitions and the album "Charlie The Chocolate Man", which they began during the Winter Of Love in 1988, is nearly complete.
Unlike most bands that play music for themselves and regard it as a 'bonus' if anyone else likes it, The Various
Assortments are desperate for your approval. And whilst most cult bands refuse to sell out, The Assortments have tried and tried but no one was buying.
The Manic Street Preachers promised to "release the greatest album ever and then implode in a mixture of sex, death and heroin". Patti Smith,
somewhat more modestly simply dreamed of the day that "the people have the power". David Essex said "we're gonna make you a star". The Various Assortments promise nothing of the sort. Sure they have a lot to say, but none of it is intelligible. What good are answers when you don't know what the right questions are? If you met God, would you ask if He exists? Does
Schroedinger's Cat have nine lives? If Pavlov's laid with his dog would he get
fleas?
In 1965, Dylan claimed "the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind". But by 1975, he was singing
about an "idiot wind". What a difference ten years makes, or in The Various Assortments' case, seventeen years and because of their perfectionism "Charlie The Chocolate Man" still remains
an unfinished masterpiece.
Where were you in 2006? Hanging tough with Owen Sexxx, Kevin Magoo and Tiza G? Hiding from
Kymm Rennie and The Emotional Man? Digging the blues round at Slide's House or riding along in Paul Hawkins' automobile? Wherever you are, "Charlie The Chocolate Man" is sure to be the soundtrack to your life.
Not an experience, not a spiritual journey, not a raison d'etre, just a band and some songs.
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So far The Various Assortments have been comparedtothelikesof The Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Kinks, The Small Faces,
doo wop, Bowie, Eno, Frank Zappa, Kevin Ayers, Wings, Frank Spencer, The War Of The Worlds, Billy Liar,
Grease, Jilted John, John Shuttleworth on acid, Frank Sidebottom, Teenage Jesus & The Jerks, The Buzzcocks, Buddy Holly, Pere Ubu,
XTC, The Fall, Squeeze, Blancmange, Depeche Mode, OMD, Gary Numan, Madness,
Captain Sensible, Howard Jones (!), Adam Ant solo, The Buggles, Kate Bush, Madness, The Teardrop Explodes,
Half Man Half Biscuit, the 60s, the early 80s, the late 80s, plink plonk music, The Dukes Of Stratosphere, Mr Bungle, They Might Be Giants, The Lightning Seeds, Blur, Pulp,
The Frogs, The Streets, Gorillaz, a cockney Bob Dylan and a bedroom Kaiser Chiefs.
Conversely, "Laura" by The Scissors Sisters has been compared to The Various
Assortments, as has "Creeping Up The Backstairs" by The Fratellis,
and the singer from The Magic Numbers apparently sounds like
McGuigan BG. Quite an eclectic mix, but the band are still awaiting that much coveted Velvet Underground comparison. |
